nostalgic.

This blog post should be posted in the beginning of March.

At that time, I just visited my daddy in the cemetery and it made me so emotional when I saw his picture. There were so many things floating on my mind but when I started to write, I did not what to write so I did not continue.

But today, he suddenly came into my mind again like usual and I know I have to write it down.

When we were still living together, I loved to go out with him by wrapping my little hands around his arm. We always played games especially monopoly at home. After he moved out, he would call every single night at 10:30 p.m. telling me he is going to sleep and good night. He would also wait me in the lobby of my apartment whenever we would have dinner together.

We talked very often and we were like good friends.

I remember when I introduced him my favourite K-Pop star Seungho to him, he did not like him that much simply because his daughter was thinking of another man all the time. But later he tried to copy Seungho's dancing in front of me and it cracked me up! Aww my lovely old man.

I am trying so hard to put all these memory pieces together well now but pieces from different times started to appear and I do not really have an order for it.

I just miss him and miss being his daughter.

He spoiled me with everything that he was able to give and gave me all the attention.

There is a saying that daughter is the lover of her father in the previous life.

Seriously, what did I do in the previous life that it made me losing him that quick in this life?

Losing him is like there is forever a hole in my life.

Also, I have been through a lot since his death.

I cannot have him to see me doing anything now and I cannot talk to him like I used to do.

I started to forget his face and even his voice when the time goes.

By thinking of this, it breaks my heart every time.

Daddy, do you know how afraid I am when you are not here with him now?

But I know I have to be strong and independent so that I can make him proud of me.

A while ago, I thought I have found the love of my life.

With him, I felt like I do not have to be strong all the time and I could put down all the armor because he was so gentle and protective. He is the only one who I told him about my daddy and he was there for me even though I could not speak anything as I was crying so hard. This means so much to me because I never bet anyone to understand my situation and all I need is a support.

His presence was important to me because I felt so much love from him and I loved him with all my heart too. I could not imagine that there would be someone who loved me so much other than my daddy.

However, the relationship did not work well and I am now on my own again to face the situation.

Honestly, I still miss him sometimes and wanted to talk to him. I am not okay but I guess I just have to put on the armor, rip the band aid off and let the wound heal. Oh god, it is so hard.

I am sensitive and emotional but I do not feel sorry about that because it makes me human.

I want people to know that being sensitive and emotional should not make you feel less just because other people do not feel the same way like you. I was told not to say I miss you or I love you but I said it anyway because that is the moment and maybe in the next second you do not have the chance anymore. Yes, I feel nostalgic sometimes because the past makes the present me and it is important no matter if it is good or bad.

Today, I know that that my grandfather in Shanghai is getting really sick and my heart just sinks til now. When you think your life is getting better, then it tells you: oh well I am going to take away another person of your life. This feeling sucks.
I hope he would get better soon!

Cherish!

Love,

Sonia